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I heart the Jonas Brothers! (0 comments)
Posted on April 28, 2009 at 10:20 p.m. Posted by Fonz0 commentsDude. I just listened to a song of theirs for the first time. Holy shit do they ever suck. Evaluating the recording / production / mix, I can't help but imagine their parents / managers being super serious, yet trying to be "hip" at the same time, bobbing their heads to the music as if it were super groovy. I pictured a sleezy old fart in a business suit at the helm, scheming a world takeover... A record producer telling the lead singer to sing "baby" one more time at a specific measure... A big, black studio funk bassist tracking bass lines that the Jonas Puppets should be playing, but just aren't talented enough to pull it off... An idle leather whip nearby in case the children don't do exactly as they're told... Their framed "band pics" hanging on the wall from last week's photoshoot, which involved a professional hairstylist and industrial-strength wind tunnels / fog machines, but conveniently don't feature a keyboardist or drummer...or anybody with musical talent... A balding gay photographer instructing, "Don't smile, children - you have to look cool and tough. Put your chins up in the air. Yeah, that's HOT!"
These kids don't write or play any of the music. What a fucking gimmick. I laughed.
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Women really are crazy (2 comments)
Posted on Feb. 14, 2009 at 2:34 p.m. Posted by Singer2 commentsThe other day I was in a car with 2 other people. The girl in the car said that it's too bad all the good guys are taken. The other guy in the car took offense to this, being as though he is single. His response was "yea, I know what you mean. All the good girls are taken too." The girl got very irritated and said that he couldn't say that about girls, and that he was an asshole for saying it, and continued to rant and argue of how rude we were to even think such a thing. Isn't that strange? Women say a rude comment and think nothing about it. Men say the exact same comment, in the exact same situation and we are the assholes? I asked the girl why her statement was ok and his was not. Her response was, "Because."
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Wise words from a wise man....Jack Handy (0 comments)
Posted on Feb. 14, 2009 at 2:27 p.m. Posted by Singer0 commentsOne thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
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I'm a wierdo (1 comments)
Posted on Feb. 13, 2009 at 2:16 p.m. Posted by Fonz1 commentsSometimes, I'll recall something that happened to me last week or a conversation I had, and I will not be able to remember if it was a dream or not. Totally confusing.
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Darth Vader (1 comments)
Posted on Nov. 17, 2008 at 4:15 a.m. Posted by Fonz1 commentsHow did Darth Vader eat and drink? Did they have to "Force-Feed" him? hehe get it? And did he ever clean himself? It's not like he could take showers and stuff... If I had to smell my own festering filth every day and I didn't have a way to drink a beer every now and then, I'd probably be a dickhead too.
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It's the culture, man (1 comments)
Posted on Oct. 16, 2008 at 3:46 p.m. Posted by Fonz1 commentsYou know what needs to be exterminated, like, now? The Ying-Yang Twins, and the whole "durty south" thang. More on this later...
So I'm driving down the street the other night, and there's tons of parties, so I'm going real slow because of all the people crossing the streets and stuff. There's a group of real young black dudes - probably fresh out of high school - that passed in front of me, but ONE of them (for no reason) wanted to feel better about himself or something...
As his curtious pals saw my car coming down the street, they picked up the pace to get out of my way, which is not expected, but appreciated - This one fucktard turned square at me and stood in the middle of the street so that I couldn't pass. My car came to a complete stop, which was unnecessary, and he stared me down taking a slow drag of his cigarette. He made me wait. For no reason. He just wanted to control somebody else's life for a moment. OOOOOHHH did that piss me off! And he knew it did, which is why he did it. I'm thinking - If I honk, he'll stay even longer and maybe damage my car somehow in retaliation.
Now I've got a decision to make. Do I get out and uppercut him? Or should I be the bigger man, show no reaction, and give him no satisfaction of knowing that he ruined my night.
What gives people the urge to mess with others? This stupid fucking desire to be "better" than somebody else, or prove something that doesnt even matter? Or is it just "gangsta" culture? I swear, I have NEVER tested somebody's balls for the thrill of it (i might know some gay dudes that have, but you know what I mean). That fucking asshole tested me, backed down just before I snapped, and ran away as if he had just "made me his bitch". Give me a fucking break. Who the fuck does that?! Next time, I'm gonna run you the fuck over, then put it in reverse and do it over and over and over until the whole city is watching and they all know - You are not cool. You are not "hard". you are a fucking clown. And the Yin-Yang Twins are dorks.
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Idiots are allowed to vote. SWEET. (0 comments)
Posted on Oct. 16, 2008 at 3:11 p.m. Posted by Fonz0 commentsJust watched a video about how people in an Ohio town are afraid that if Obama becomes president, black people and Muslim terrorists will take over America. It made me sad to think that as America needs more and more to grow as a nation of brilliant minds, we are in fact regressing in mental fortitude, and some people like Jeff Foxworthy think that it's just oh so cute. That shit's not funny to me. I don't think that dumb people are ok. They bring us all down.
I say we let the south (Ohio?) take back it's territory and let them worry about their own issues. They can have as many babies as they want to try and feed. Well, Heck! they've already excluded themselves from the rest of America. They just dont seem to realize that other people share this country with them.
There are many parts of the world that are extremely narrow-minded like this. It's just surprising to me that an American group calls another group "terrorists", when their frame of mind (socially and religiously) is exactly the same. They don't even realize that their core beliefs are the same thing theyre fighting against. What retards. "Our way is the only right way. We dont want black people or Muslims taking over our country. We will not share our land with people who have different beliefs." Funny thing... - if you replace the words black people with 'Americans' and Muslims with 'Christians', who do they sound like? Oh yeah... They sound exactly like terrorists.
I saw this show on TV the other day called 'My Big Fat Redneck Wedding' or something - and the two people getting married were biological siblings - thats right - brother and sister. For the bachelor party, they repeatedly drove a dune buggy into a barn until the barn was totally ruined. I dont need to add anything else.
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Gossip! (1 comments)
Posted on Oct. 3, 2008 at 2:51 p.m. Posted by Fonz1 commentsWhy do people honestly give a shit about these celebrities. I just don't get it. There's so many talented, intelligent people out there, and yet we care more about the lives of these little anorexic pathetic cokewhores who do nothing but lead a horrible example of life and what not to be. I don't find that intriguing. In fact, it's kind of repulsive.
one of my buddies in LA makes an amazing living selling bad pictures of celebrities. it blows my mind that there's actually a market for that.
it's like we intentionally deify the people we see on TV or in the movies, and then we intentionally try to bring them down to our level to feel better about ourselves. "Oh look! Theyre so fucked up. Im better than them!" yet, we still want to know what color their poop is.
I've hung out with so many of my childhood idols, but i never get star-struck. They're not gods. theyre people. they might be richer than you, or more creative, or more talented, but thats no reason to try to live vicariously through them in the tabloids.
people are dumb. why do you care who's dating who, unless theyre your friends? you dont know them. how does this shit affect your life?
-you know what though - one of my favorite shows on TV is The Soup (on E - the network dedicated to exploiting Hollywood) Man - that show is fuckin hilarious. Fucked up celebs CAN sometimes be a ripe source of laughter.
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Anti Chuck Facts? (1 comments)
Posted on Sept. 14, 2008 at 12:02 p.m. Posted by Singer1 commentsThe legend of Chuck Norris goes both ways. For his almighty lore, see one of the original rants. For the folks that are not fans of Chuck, here are some for you.....
Top 10 Anti-Chuck Norris Facts-
Chuck Norris' semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.
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Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left
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The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.
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Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start.
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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun.
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Chuck Norris' blood type is AK-47. The gun. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes.
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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a fucking Jeep.
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In fine print on the last page of the Farmers' Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Chuck Norris, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.
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There is a double chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. No wonder he doesn't shave.
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September 11th - what's YOUR problem? (1 comments)
Posted on Sept. 11, 2008 at 9:32 p.m. Posted by Fonz1 commentsYou know, I cant stress how horrible that attack was, but i was lucky enough to not be directly affected by it - what i mean is: Nobody i know was hurt, and im thankful for that.
I know that a lot of people are overwhelmed by what happened, even though they werent affected either. But i have no fucking patience for these drama queens that are posting such "deep, spiritual, and overdramatic" bulletins / emails / blogs.
Dude. This is not an MTV reality show. This is not a "I feel so badly for those people that i never knew because thats how im supposed to feel, so look at how sentimental i can be" showcase! Shut the fuck up. If somebody had relatives or whatever that died, and you post some dumb shit, its not a comfort or consolation, its an insult. If you werent traumatized, keep your mouth shut and count your marbles. Im sick of people trying to pull the "im so affected by it" card. NEITHER YOU OR I have any clue what that would be like, so dont talk like you do. Dont belittle SOMEBODY ELSE'S tragedy because you think drama is just oh so fun. This isnt The Hills or Laguna Beach. Have some respect.