Rants

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter
to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you
for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been
hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today &
that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home
& didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, &
went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love
me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your
EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me.
Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together!

Have a great
life!

Dear
Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more
than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers:
I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still
loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto
for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2
tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you

were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell
& Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever
told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not
a problem